In the dark two of us meet. Our relationship is not defined but we stand both in the darkness. We are both at the same time kids and grown ups. We are in our outfits for special occasions and I have make up on but we’re sweating. Your hair is a bit messy which is not specific for you, your shirt is unbuttoned and tucked in the black pants, sleeves are rolled up to your elbows and your dark eyes give you the determination you need. My blonde perfect hairstyle is not so perfect anymore but it’s till standin, and my dress is turning to overalls so I could run. Our palms are sloppy but we clench fists. I step forward, you step forward and then our gazes meet. We are strong but scared. We are wrong but right. At the end of the tunnel there is a party we should go to. And I feel like we ran from something dangerous and both of us needs a strong partner. But I need help with that feather. You nod and I gulp. Your eyes shift to the light and I turn towards it as well. I know I should be cautious about you but I also like what you give to me. Yes, we complete each other. And I serve forever for some things I was wrong about, and you already have a chain around your neck. But we want to break it, we want to rip our nice sweaty clothes and make a warrior’s uniform. We want to break free and forget about everything. We want to create and travel. To be free and innocent. I want to see the stars with my own eyes in the desert again, and you said that you will take me there. I want to trust you but you are a fox and you think that I’m a cat doing things like a tiger. I want to be a princess even though I can stand side by side with you. Do you have that wide of a perception? I will let you be whatever you want to become, I will build you. But I need help. We should run towards the light and then, side by side, slowly taking each others hands while tightening the grip. But please, I want both of us always to have their own lamp in other hand.
The moment when your entire world comes storming down to you with the toughest and the hardest questions to give the right and full answer to, you just bent down a bit, unconsciously, and your face slightly drops and in your eyes you start carrying the burden formed with heavy look or tears trying to release it, but fail to. Just when you thought you are over that, over those questions, when you moved forward into other direction, when you started concentrating on yourself and not on the world, people and life never-ending philosophies, which endure only in the minds of the hurt and the disappointed adults, something triggers The Ring and it suddenly appears around your neck, so you are obligated to destroy it in the fires of Mordor.
It’s a foggy, cold, and a bit windy night, with the sharpness of coldness in the air which cuts your skin, razes your muscles and shakes your bones, luckily, it’s not so strong tonight, so you can take a walk. We were walking in silence, under the impression of the happenings that took place a few minutes ago. In my opinion, they are so unimportant and irrelevant, those things happen all the time, they come and go and it is not something you should waste your energy on. Save every piece of peace and happiness you are given, don’t bother and make problems up, it’s useless. Anyway, we started walking one of my favorite streets of the city, which I discovered by myself in a casual walk last spring while I was looking for sister’s hairdresser. It was a first quite hot day in the spring and I was wearing only black shirt, jeans and shoes on after such a long time. When I was younger I had not understood the street and it’s location, it was always so different and it appeared as in a magic trick. It seemed like it was always in a different location, leading you to various spots whilst I could never find it on my own. I remember once, we were in the visit at cousins’, and we passed the street, getting somewhere were we intended to. I still wouldn’t know how to explain the position where I had found myself back then but I could find it by my intuition.
Trust. The thing we all want, we all say that we appreciate, that we value it a lot, and that we have a hard time trusting someone. We could present it as a priceless gold mine everyone gives to one another, but tend to lose it very easily. Trust is a very big component of love, sometimes I tend to identify love with trust. When you trust someone, you can say anything and know that it will be kept as if you buried it at the bottom of the ocean, you can behave as you wish, without thinking or refrain, you are completely free to be yourself. You don’t feel stupid if you have chocolate on your nose, your shirt is stained or if you don’t have money. Because you know that the person won’t judge you, won’t try to put you down. On the contrary, he or she will join you in your silliness, help you to whip the chocolate or stain, friendly tease you and loan you money without the word. Trust is when you know that someone will be there for you in every moment of the day or the night, no matter with who, and no matter how much time you need. But before everything, trust is when you know that someone will treasure you and keep you, your secretes and all your little things, inside, without sharing it, but saving it, in their hearts. Trust is when you know that someone will make all the spies disappear, and all the voices go away, when the men in the white coats come, to be there for you and to chase down the walls around you. Trust is when you know and when you feel that you gave your heart to the person and he or she took it with as much of gentleness and care, as you had when you gave it to them. When your heart is failed down by only one person, you start doubting everyone, but eventually you get back on the old track. But if your trust has been turned down enough number of times you will start doubting everyone and everything. Because if someone decides to fail such a thing, how can that person love you, have any kind of gentle feelings towards you and at the end, any good intentions? Trust is like the water on Earth, when the Earth represents love. Without water there would be no life and Earth wouldn’t be Earth, it is the thing that stands our planet out of the other ones. I am the Idealist, the one who as he faces the world he sees the cruelty, dishonesty, duplicity in most delicate things as love. Fake moralists are everywhere, they all love but no one knows what love is. They are all so lost in their own visions and perfect stories while they don’t see that there is nothing honest and trustworthy in any of the things they say. Trust is a long-lost things, just as the love is. The Ideal things do not exist. The biggest and the most honest and true loves are born out of trust which is bringing the knowledge of the person with itself. Will I be able to trust anyone ever again? Is a question I asked myself as I looked through an old and dusty window on the ground floor of an old building, hiding the complete, thickest darkness which no one dared to disturb for who knows how long. Can I trust myself? Was a question I asked but I realised that it is not legit, because in what way can I or can I not trust myself? Can I trust myself to do what? It is completely irrelevant, or is it? It is a question I heard great number of times and I have never led myself into thinking about that matter. I will not question such a thing because there is no need to, I trust myself completely.
So we remained silent, talking on occasions. I can’t tell you the things that are going through my head, at the end, it’s still pointless to say them. Maybe the time will come, maybe not, but I would like it to come.
”I see the weight of your world in your eyes” was the sentences that broke me. Why did I even break in the first place into such thinking, and at the end why did I break down? So you hugged me and I hugged you back and in those moments at first I only cried but later my thoughts started going with such a speed that I wasn’t aware of the reality for some time. I hate the speed they can have sometimes, and the reason is-I’m not present in the moment. In the whirlpool of my thoughts the ones that stood out where ”they are everywhere… the spies”. I don’t know who or what the spies could be, but they are probably questions, doubts and disappointments.
But the spies came out of the water
But you’re feeling so bad cos you know
But the spies hide out in every corner,
But you can’t touch them no
Cause they’re all spies they’re all spies
They can’t touch you no
Cos they’re just spies
The bold text was something that kept going through my head later.
The thing that probably hurts me the most is that no one is, or doesn’t want to take in, to show, that they don’t know what trust or love means, but they go around and fling with it.
And if we don’t hide here
They’re going to find us
Is my absolute favorite part of the song
The person who has your trust is someone who should be always for you, who is no matter with who, where or when will pick up the phone, get his or her coat and be there, not just in their comfortable zone. That is very hard, the thing is, don’t tell things you don’t mean, or you can’t do.
I stepped out of the trolley. Up there, in front of the museum, the yellow lights and the fog seemed to make quite a party! You could go there and be present, but you could never be a part of it and join the dancing.
Sometimes, and lately more often, I get sad or melancholically when the conversation is over. I get the feeling usually when someone says goodbye to me first and it happens a lot, because I’m always there for people and I will always listen to what they have to say. When I was little whenever my very first and best friend and I say goodbye to each other everything gets weird, strange, and sad around me, and the feeling I get isn’t pleasant at all. It’s not what it is like now, but I do get sad and melancholy takes over. Sometimes tears threaten to spill but I don’t give them a chance. Very logically I get sadder when a person I love to talk to says goodbye. I know it’s maybe overreacting or over the top, and maybe I am just driving myself into the “magic”, never-ending circle of need for communication but that’s just how I feel and maybe it’s because I feel used or stood up. Please prepare me for your goodbye and don’t ever shoot it out of nowhere.
So much time has passed and I am still in the same spot just like when I first saw you, I made no steps back and no steps forward. It doesn’t make sense anymore, but to me it obviesly does.
Cause I, I’m feeling pretty small,
Sometimes feel like I’m slipping down walls
And every line I ever get a hold it seems to break.
Whenever I see you I feel this and I know that you can chagne that. You can make me smaller and you can make me bigger, but I still don’t depend on you. Whenever I find a reason to end this or to start it and do something, the hold breaks and I slip down walls, from the rooftops, and then it starts all over again. And I have decided so many times to walk a different way back home so I don’t see you, so I can forget about you, but you still appear in front of me. You make sense out of things if you drink but I make sense when I fall in love with you a thousand times, and wonder would it all make sense? You are not aware of any of this and you won’t ever be.
So I just shut my eyes and lose myself in teenage lies
And whenever I run I slip and go down the same long way to the beginning, holds break and I find myselsf again in teenage lies, lying to everyone that I have run away from it, but I am still lost in daydreams, finding myself in your arms, seeing my reflection in your eyes.
My way has taken my far away, downwards. I am falling and going long way down for you. It has been going on for so long, with pauses, denials and hopes for near ending but I just can’t seem to take a sharp turn somewhere and finally stop falling from the roofs. I want to take a walk with you on the rooftops and talk about times, watch the skies, laugh and be silent. I want you to take my hand in yours and go somewhere to make memories. I want it to be just like a autmnish afternoon, peacful and orange, colorful, foggy and unpredictable and glamorous like the evening that’s coming. Intriging like the city lights and it’s veins and I want it to rush through mine like a living stream of emotions and expectations. I have gone long way down in a pursuite for you and your green orbs. I have gone long way down just to catch as many of your smiles and laughters as possible and your green braces with perfect white teeth. I have run long miles down just to see your blonde hair with bruinette locks. The way you put your bangs asaide to cover your forehead just above your eyes, and the way you are sitting and revising or reading something whilst everyone are outside, and the fact that you ocasionally need black glasses, make me go downsome and I cannot see the sun anymore-I am swimming in all those little things. I love the way you walk and talk stupid things and the way you are a complete idiot. I want you to make me laugh and warm my hands when I forget my gloves, and I want to see your green eyes glowing like city lights and night skies when you’re laughing. I want to feel the rivers and winds passing this city and I want to talk to you. I want to live it all through when we’re walking together in these streets or just sitting somewehere. It feels like a long way down.
There are so many faiths a like and yet so different, there are so many things which get to us, hurt us, ones that have already happened or are happening now to who knows how many people, and sometimes I think how different we all are and yet so same. I just look through the window and see thousands of apartments, little colorful lights and start thinking what are all those people doing out there, what they’re going through…
This is what I listen to at almost 2 o’clock in the morning. I am grateful on the friendships I have, on the friend sitting beside me rambeling on and drawing with some badass markers over here, I am grateful on everything I have, every person in my life, I am also very grateful and at the same time sad about so many memories and moments that have passed and took place at this very room, a lot of them with the same friend I amsitting now with(I’ll just say that I feel melancholic about them). I have a few tears in my eyes due to all those warm emotions bolded up inside of me and I want to give my friend the tightest hug and just to stay like that forever which means this entire night till the dawn, whilst this song is playing at the background, neverending. I love you, all of you people in my life, I love you, all of my memories and all of the moments I have caught and farewell to all of those which have escaped my little bag called my memory. I send you all lots of love.
P.S. she drew me a little heart with her initials and a little dude called BOB. ‘Cause that’s just who we are.