Loneliness, fear and myself

This is an essay which I wrote for a friend’s homework, I hope you’ll like it:)
I haven’t written in a long time, and I decided that I have to post something, even if it’s only a few sentences. It’s so strange reading your own old posts!

Loneliness. Fear grows fastest while you’re alone. Raindrops are pounding the windows harder and harder. The Sun hasn’t risen today at all, only the light-gray clouds which were suffocating the day and which never gave the Sun to rise have appeared. I am alone. If I accept these raindrops as my friends, what else have I to fear of except them alone? Maybe just the loneliness and the uknown in the emptiness. Loneliness and I are sitting and listening to the raindrops and the wind which is pushing them agressively onto my window. I am afraid they might come in. Fear is starting to scratch the door of my room. What are we exactly afraid of when we are left alone? The thin dark hand, demonic eyes and death coming with a scream or maybe even the silent spider walking on our back? And why aren’t we afraid of it when we have a company? Because we are afraid of the Loneliness itself, but we do not want to admit that. The time we spend on our own wakes up inside of us the fear of the unknown, more precisely, the fear of ourselves. And that means that we actually do not want to know who we are, and to get to know ourselves. The wind is starting to shake the windows, I am standing still, anticipating the following – windows are suddenly opened, the raindrops under it’s strenghth are falling on my face and clothes and they are getting wet. I am now alone and soaked. Raindrops are not my friends anymore. Now I know that I am wet, and my biggest fear has come true, I see my own self.

Rainy Paris

Rainy afternoon in Paris, the smell of coffee and croissants and smooth jazz were occupying Anna’s senses. She is having her afternoon coffee as always in a nearby cafe. Newspapers are at her table and a little white dog named Kiwi is silent and yet full of energy, going around the table, finally settling itself on a chair beside it’s owner. It’s an early autumn and the cafe on the corner where a tree is standing wide and tall with its massive and strong branches and dark-green, and now wet from the rain, leaves, is filled with dark brown chairs and tables alike. The floor is in black and white diamonds and the wall is at the lower part wooden and white, above is plastered beige tapestry with slim and little orange and brown flowers. It looks quite vintage if I may add, and the pictures of many iconic musicians are hung up. Anna is sitting at the window, the entire wall is like a window. The rain started falling harder. Tables are set without any specific order around the cafe. In the middle of the window-wall the front door are standing tall, separating the left and the right part of it. The cafe is quite empty, there are only one or two occupied tables, besides the one where Anna’s sitting, in the darkness of it. Behind her, on the right wall the bar is set. From the bar deeper into the cafe the space is shrinking and the light coming from outside is much weaker. Anna has just eaten her cookie and is half way down with finishing her latte so she is taking the newspapers and is starting reading
“Kiwi, stand still please, steady! Good boy!” As she says that she gives him a treat and continues reading an article.
The little bell hung above the door has rung and a young and handsome man entered the cafe, looking quite confused. Anna looked up to see who entered the cafe on the tree-corner, even though she never does that. She would usually immediately look away but not this time. The young man stood his ground looking where would he like to sit the most, and when he glanced over Anna he couldn’t look away either. He started narrowing his eyes but kept coming back and looking at her, at the end he flashed a small and a very insecure smile and walked towards the counter to order his drink. Anna kept looking at him and smiled when he approached the bar. The man in shallow brown boots and jeans with a white short jacket and a black coat ordered machiato. His blonde hair coming to his chin and bangs tucked behind his left ear made him look like a young boy but his strong and tall features were telling that he is a young man in his mid twenties. When he took the coffee he again glanced over Anna with the same insecure half-smile and she returned with a sincere one. He then sat at a few tables away, across the counter and beside her, where the daylight still isn’t fading. He was listening to the jazz and the strong rain, his coat was quite wet and so was his hair, the big, dark umbrella didn’t help much, and he was looking at Anna reading the newspapers and the window. She would glance over him time to time just to find his eyes glued to her more frequently than to the street with the uncontrollable half smirk, while she would shyly smile every time, hiding a bit behind the papers, her eyes slowly shifting to the all so small letters on the way too big paper. They were both enjoying the sensation of the coffee, Paris and rain. They both didn’t notice how fast the time was passing. Anna called out for the waiter and gave him a tip. The boy and her gathered their things and got outside at the same time. They looked at each other again with small smirks and tried walking their ways but bumped into each other because they were blocking each other’s ways
“Oh I’m so sorry”
“I am going that way..”
“Yeah, I’m going that one…” they said and laughed a bit. They both walked their ways, she was going to the market and he who knows where. The rain hasn’t stopped or eased either.


Past few days have been really autumn-ish with rain and beautiful colors. Green light and dark, orange, red, yellow, brown, grey trees and parks, white, clods and fog, bridge disappearing and hiding in the clouds which are doing their light dance above the city, sending us rainy greetings. Wind, hot liquids to keep us worm, music, umbrellas and cozy sweaters.

Melancholy is slowly taking over and so does the feeling of thankfulness for being right where you are.

Watching the birds flying free
Watching the clouds walk
And watching the rain become the sea – Tom Odell



Autumn in Holland autumn_rain_in_the_park_xi_by_pandi1818-d4fqbin


Disclaimer: all pictures in this post are found on google.


I stepped out of the trolley, cold air and wind greeting me. The night has finally come and the storm is approaching. The station is really spacious and everything seems so big, open boulevard. I looked up at the park and sky. Sky is slightly orangish, like there is fire somewhere, behind the park. Massive, stormy clouds are floating close to the city. Everybody wants to rule the world was playing by Lorde and as the chorus started, lightning appeared on the stormy sky, wind is blowing and it’s getting colder minute after minute. As I was walking I was looking at the sky, captivated by it’s color and clouds, how dark trees had their silhouettes making contrast to it. I took my phone out and shared it with a friend. It’s such a powerful feeling! I thought I could sit outside the whole night, just looking at the sky, feeling the cold wind caressing my face.

As I walked in the house it was pitch dark. I turned on the lights and the moment I did it I heard a lard thud just to realize second later that it is only a start for the chorus. I threw my bag and as I looked in my room I saw the bridge and the city, sky turned shining white for a moment, and then I heard the thunder. I turned only one light in my home and turned on the laptop. Soon, I found myself standing on the terrace. Lightnings were spread all around the sky, turning it’s white light on and off every now and then. Rain started with big raindrops, one of them falling on my face. I opened the window wide and watched the Mordor skies hoovering over my city. Color of fire painted the sky, like the ground beneath it was burning and it did, the city is alive, filled with lights, life, parties, cars, people and their destinies. Cold air greeted me again and cold, big raindrops fell all over my face. The bridge was rising up, and above the city, threatening the sky, it’s glowing, sharp white light emphasizing it’s figure on the dark background of living city filled with black and orange color, and foggy, orange sky. I breaded in the fresh air, the smell of rain overtaking all of my senses. My ears were filled with the sound of the downpour and the song. As the song finished I closed the windows, streets were already soaking wet and skies were still wild, I wasn’t alone anymore. The Doors started playing soon and I decided to make myself a coffee to sip while eating a pancake.


There’s a killer on a road

The sun starts to set down, but there isn’t much change as it is cloudy all day. A man sits in his car and drive, where the road leads him. He sees children playing beside the road, they are laughing and they are happy even though it started to rain, they don’t bother. There’s a black silhouette of a man and a surprising thunder. He snaps out of his cloudy and blurry vision, there’s nobody beside the road, only empty fields. He continues to drive, like nothing has happened, like he hasn’t seen anything. After a while he gets to a restaurant, finishes his dinner with his companion. He helps her to put on her coat and they leave the restaurant. Her heels making the familiar sound as she walks. They get into the light blue-gray Cadillac and he starts the engine up. As they get out on the road thunder hits again. Across them, they see a gray car and a black silhouette of a man. The moment later the car and the man disappeared. The girl starts to tighten her black coat around her as they are both shivering in cold. The road is empty. Two tracks but only one car in one direction. The blue line in the middle of it is hard to see, fog is all around them.

riders on the storm

A thunder is heard, they snap out of their slow and deep thinking and shivering. A car is showing out in the fog, it’s the same grey car with the same black silhouette, and it’s driving towards them. The killer on the road is here and his car isn’t avoiding the crash. The moment before the crash they hear the thunder and as they open their eyes they see a car with a black silhouette of a man showing in fog, again. A shot is heard along with the thunder ”there’s a killer on the road”.

storm Vehicles-Old-Cars

Rain, Thunders and Melancholy


It’s pouring rain outside, it’s been a few days like this. I love rain, though. Thunders at night splitting skies, waking people up, thunders in the middle of the day and pouring rain. There’s no sunlight today. Owl City Sailboats is playing and the only sound I hear beside the song is cars racing down the wet street and thunders here and there. The song has finished and I’m left with silence and storm. There is nothing I love more than smell of rain.

Today my phone fell two times and it split on pieces. When I put it together again and in my pocket I forgot to lock it so the radio somehow started playing on and when I took my headphones in I thought to myself  ‘oh look, I haven’t turned my music off’ and a song I like started playing. It’s when the guy started talking on the radio that I realised that it’s radio playing so I mentally facepalmed myself. After sometime I accidentally hit play on some of the songs on my phone and hit shuffle. Forget Her by Jeff Buckley started playing and as soon as I heard the song I became slightly sad. Now I don’t want to get out of the house and I think it’s about time to spend most of my day inside. I am finally going to turn to myself a bit. It’s time for writing, reading, making comics and cartoons. I want to be alone and walk in rain but at the same time I don’t want to move. Then you see a friend who says is always there for you but who don’t care actually at all, while someone with whom you’re not friends so long tries so hard to listen to you and cheer you up. Should that bring you down? I don’t think so. Anyway, melancholy is strong today and you are aware of how short life is and how ungrateful we are. Gonna go and turn to myself today, sometimes that’s all we need-silence, being quiet and doing something we love.

Enjoy it:)