Hand in hand

In the dark two of us meet. Our relationship is not defined but we stand both in the darkness. We are both at the same time kids and grown ups. We are in our outfits for special occasions and I have make up on but we’re sweating. Your hair is a bit messy which is not specific for you, your shirt is unbuttoned and tucked in the black pants, sleeves are rolled up to your elbows and your dark eyes give you the determination you need. My blonde perfect hairstyle is not so perfect anymore but it’s till standin, and my dress is turning to overalls so I could run.  Our palms are sloppy but we clench fists. I step forward, you step forward and then our gazes meet. We are strong but scared. We are wrong but right. At the end of the tunnel there is a party we should go to. And I feel like we ran from something dangerous and both of us needs a strong partner. But I need help with that feather. You nod and I gulp. Your eyes shift to the light and I turn towards it as well. I know I should be cautious about you but I also like what you give to me. Yes, we complete each other. And I serve forever for some things I was wrong about, and you already have a chain around your neck.  But we want to break it, we want to rip our nice sweaty clothes and make a warrior’s uniform. We want to break free and forget about everything. We want to create and travel. To be free and innocent. I want to see the stars with my own eyes in the desert again, and you said that you will take me there. I want to trust you but you are a fox and you think that I’m a cat doing things like a tiger. I want to be a princess even though I can stand side by side with you. Do you have that wide of a perception? I will let you be whatever you want to become, I will build you. But I need help. We should run towards the light and then, side by side, slowly taking each others hands while tightening the grip. But please, I want both of us always to have their own lamp in other hand.

Loneliness, fear and myself

This is an essay which I wrote for a friend’s homework, I hope you’ll like it:)
I haven’t written in a long time, and I decided that I have to post something, even if it’s only a few sentences. It’s so strange reading your own old posts!

Loneliness. Fear grows fastest while you’re alone. Raindrops are pounding the windows harder and harder. The Sun hasn’t risen today at all, only the light-gray clouds which were suffocating the day and which never gave the Sun to rise have appeared. I am alone. If I accept these raindrops as my friends, what else have I to fear of except them alone? Maybe just the loneliness and the uknown in the emptiness. Loneliness and I are sitting and listening to the raindrops and the wind which is pushing them agressively onto my window. I am afraid they might come in. Fear is starting to scratch the door of my room. What are we exactly afraid of when we are left alone? The thin dark hand, demonic eyes and death coming with a scream or maybe even the silent spider walking on our back? And why aren’t we afraid of it when we have a company? Because we are afraid of the Loneliness itself, but we do not want to admit that. The time we spend on our own wakes up inside of us the fear of the unknown, more precisely, the fear of ourselves. And that means that we actually do not want to know who we are, and to get to know ourselves. The wind is starting to shake the windows, I am standing still, anticipating the following – windows are suddenly opened, the raindrops under it’s strenghth are falling on my face and clothes and they are getting wet. I am now alone and soaked. Raindrops are not my friends anymore. Now I know that I am wet, and my biggest fear has come true, I see my own self.

Thinking Out Loud

According to Allan Watts and Maya Angelou we are all the same, we all come from the same source and that is the big bang, which every and each one of us has in him/herself. We all carry a part of rivers, stars, trees, and each other in ourselves. If a man dreams a big dream we have a part of it in us as well and we can do it, but the same stands if someone commits a crime. Maya says that we should not be afraid of anything that’s human, because it is us. But on the other hand we all judge others and their acts, we are all setting up standards, following some rules etc. We judge LGBT population and their acts, while the only thing they’re doing different from the rest is kiss a person of the same-sex. Is that so horrifying? I wouldn’t say so. We are only part of the energy, we are all one. There is no matter. The thing we call matter is only a special moment and state in which energy is showing. And we still have so many things in out head going around.

E.g. lately I have been thinking about love as many of my friends  are in those waters right now. I don’t know where am I. Maybe I am standing on a tiny rock in the middle of the river, but that’s just a wild guess. Anyhow, I have always thought that you can’t meet your other half, someone who is your soul mate, who you will marry, at early age. I have always thought that it will be in my twenties or so. Also, I have never thought that when I marry once that I will never divorce, it depends, but it has always been so weird to me to spend your whole life with just one person. Just imagine, you are sitting at your living room one night, watching TV and you should start getting dressed up for a visit to your friends. You have, let’s say, a ten-year old kid, and you look at the person sitting across of you, you look at your living room and don’t you just think ”this is so boring. There is no change, no excitement, for so long everything is the same”. Is it possible to love a person for 50 years, to feel the same as you were in your twenties? fifty years? To feel the same as you felt in your twenties? But again, how can a love simply vanish when you love someone? When you truly love the person? Not just the looks or the things he or she has? Not so many people know what the true love is. It’s not just a crush or heart racing when you see someone, it’s not just liking someone because he or she is nice and interesting. Sometimes true love, I think, can lack a few of the said things. True love is when you don’t mind if your hair is a mess and when the other person doesn’t see it as a disaster and imperfection but as a characteristic of yours. True love means that you don’t really care much if your lipstick is half a way removed or if you have chocolate around your mouth when you just ate it, yogurt on your nose when you just drank it from the cup which is sold in the bakeries. True love is when you forget about those things, when the person you’re with doesn’t mind, but loves those things about you whilst not thinking how idiotic you are. You know you love someone when you give your money when you don’t have it anymore, just so the person wouldn’t wake his or her parents and you won’t ask for it back. It’s when you leave your jacket and don’t mind if you don’t get it back for a month or so, when someone doesn’t judge you for your socks with a whole but laughs and says ”Don’t worry, I have plenty of those”. Real love is when you look at the person and think of so many things that he or she loves, does, is, all the nice things that you could do for him or her. It’s when you just need the presence of the person to feel calm, happy, complete, when you can cry, laugh or talk random things without holding back. It’s when you know that you want to be with him or her eventually. It’s when you try to keep the distance but you fail because it’s a torture, because it feels empty and cold. True love is when you’re happy when the person is happy even if you don’t agree with a choice that has been made. You know you love someone when you chose to hug the person before everyone else in hard and in bad times, when he or she is your priority.
Once my friend said that the love of your life is surely somewhere out there but the question is if you’re lucky enough to meet him/her at the right time at your life. I would disagree before but now I am questioning my conviction. Maybe there really is someone out there for us? Now there is a theory my language teacher once said and that is that there is someone made for us but it can never be realised, because of the society in most cases. Many of us would like to think that there is a person who is made just for us and I believe that there are cases of real love here and there and those people are made to be an example of real love, that is their task and purpose. I still doubt that there is one and only one person who is made for us and with whom we can achieve the real love, but I am not saying that my opinion can not be changed.
One of my friends said that we maybe can’t know who that person might be, or that we might not be aware of it, and that we should question our expectations and wishes. Now that is maybe possible if you are at some transitioning period in your life and you are changing your point of view, orientations etc. We all have a certain ideal of how our perfect love should look like, we all have a list, dreams, but if there really is our true love we would recognise it when we get to know the person, even if it’s a complete opposite of what we had in mind. We should open our minds and hearts, listen to the wind and silent whispers more, we should be at peace more.
I haven’t expected any kind of big love stories at my early age and I don’t think that we should be bound much at this age.. I also usually mentally puke when I hear the ”highschool sweethearts” phrase. You are with only one person your whole life and there is only two case scenarios which can happen. First of it is to be with that person your whole life just because you don’t know for any better and you are scared, and the other one is when the middle age crisis comes you are going to hook up with a college from the work at a business trip.

Does a room changes when the light is off?

It was a passive day today, nothing much happened which is fine by me. On the second bus stop I exited the trolley and saw a familiar jacket on the other door. I knew who it was, it was a guy I absolutely love. I don’t love him in the crush-like manner, I just love that guy, a mysterious soul hiding behind the face of the biggest jokester. We acknowledged each other and with a nod showed out greetings to one another, I think non of us was up for a conversation. I was looking through the window at the city lights, bridge, racing cars and the other side of the river. I also looked at a boy, who had his headphones in, just like my friend and I did, and he was looking through the window again. I think he probably noticed that I was looking at him so I drifted my eyes and stick them to the road. Sometimes when I ride, and especially in the bus or trolley, I look at the road and the white lines on the fast passing cement. When I stepped out of the bus I decided to take a walk, it’s a nice autmn-ish evening, without wind or rain. Everything looked so captivating and it seemed like it was screaming ”paint me, photograph me, save me in your tiny mind forever”, so I took my phone out and took some pictures. I climbed up the hill and turned around just to be met with the rest of the city and it’s fuzzy blue and yellow lights. The night is clear and I kept on walking. As the music stopped I was hearing city noises and the sound of my boots was prevailing. I walked my small route and started my way home. I feel like I could walk miles and miles without stopping or saying a word.

When I entered the house it was all dark, all lights are off. I decided not to turn them on. I put my jacket into the closet and took a look at my door. A small stripe of light was coming from the outside, creeping into the darkness. I left my things and turned off the music once again. Does the room around changes when I turn off the lights? And if do, how so? What changes in it and what does it change? Questions were flooding my mind but I didn’t bother to consider answering them. I set in the darkness and silence in my living room. Only light that appeared were two little, blinking blue lamps on my laptop. I took it and started writing. The blinding light that came from my screen was illuminating a few things around me, I just might turn it off again and sit by the window to watch the colorful city lights and think about how millions of faiths are in such a small area, twisting and interlacing, missing and bumping into each other. And how every and each one of us sometimes, no matter how many time we spent near each other or together don’t know the other one’s story. Just like I don’t know my friend’s, and just like my friend and I, no matter how much I wanted ,won’t spend some time together or get closer, because we are not destined to be.

dem kookiez

I love all kinds of cookies, cakes, sweets, candies, snacks, sugar, sweet and chocolate drinks, chocolates, biscuits, chocolate bars, chocolate boxes, big or small. colorful, mixed, dark, with milk, nuts, strawberries, raspberries, e v r y t h i n g, and I enjoy making them. Unfortunately I don’t know how to make any of those, except two types of biscuit cakes. I have many interests and one of those is cooking. I had even thought a couple of times to go to cooking school and become a chef. Anyway, I’d like that to be my hobby one day. I love all kinds of sprinkles and creams and I can eat them until I feel sick and even after that. It’s strange how much I love food and yet I usually don’t pay much attention to it in my everyday life, nor do I love to eat many stuff. I often have this image in my head, me being in the kitchen, with full chef equipment making delicious dishes and deserts. And let me tell you I will make that happen.

Today I went on my art classes which I use as an escape from other obligations and have some time just for myself. I love painting and I always have. Now, it is already evening and I have spent my afternoon in translating a text from Russian and eating cookies with nutella and jam whilst drinking milk. I don’t know how many of them have I eaten but I know for sure I ate more than 5 and I will eat them more. It’s lovely and relaxing. I am trying to do all of my obligations relaxed and slowly, with no rush or tension what so ever. At one point I felt like a pig because I felt so good and satisfied just because I ate so many cookies and the only question I had on my mind was ”should I eat the next one with nutella or jam?”. I got rid of it eventually and now I am left with a single lamp lit in my living room, tv and a rainy day saying goodbye. I take a look from my terrace every now and then and I just hope that everything will turn out for the best. I am waiting for the basketball game to start and I am passionately cheering, can’t wait for it!

 

 

bannerImage4 choco images images (1) cupcakes  all of these pictures I found on google

 

 

 

 

oh yeah, don’t forget the ice cream

icecream

The Hobbit

I am so excited for the official trailer and even more for the movie to come out! I am an absolute dork for The Hobbit and LOTR. I really wonder how will the third part turn out because there isn’t much left to happen. I even said a few times that they shouldn’t make a trilogy out of only one book but I will wait for the third movie to come out. Yesterday I said to a friend that the third part isn’t just an episode of The Hobbit series even though I have a feeling that they are assuming that it is just a money making episode, it should be a movie for itself. Yes, it does relies on the previous two, but it’s at the same time movie for itself and it has mostly the battle in it. Again, I am not going to make any premature judgments. I absolutely adore The Hobbit and LOTR, I even read the book so I am expecting nothing less but to be blown off and hooked on the movie. Enjoy the teaser!

About Time(movie recommendation)

I have just finished watching ‘About Time’. It was quite a surprise for me because before watching it I hadn’t watched the trailer so I assumed it’s just another cute romantic movie. Well, turns out it’s not. It’s so much more. If I haven’t shared my room at that moment I would’ve cried. It’s so touching and it really shows the real side of life. No matter how different you are, what superpowers you have or how hard you try not to experience the tough side of life you cannot escape it. Sooner or later, we all face the hard times. Loosing the loved ones is the toughest and the worst thing that can happen and we’re all afraid of it. Tim was privileged in a way that he could see his father any time he wished for it, but he gave it up because that is not the real life, no one can just wish upon a star and get one. He said goodbye to his father in the most beautiful way, the most sincere one and, moved on. We need to accept and deal with everything that life gives us. But we must not forget that life is not consisted only of bad or sad things. It is consisted of good things, happy times and priceless memories, good people and bad ones as well. We need to learn to cherish every moment and lesson we are given and that is the exact thing that this moving is trying to say to us. We can’t relive our days as many times as we maybe want to, or change them, but we can enjoy and menage them to be as nicest as possible. To recognize good in life and to cherish all the good things that we are given, we need to face and be aware of the bad things as well. Bad times in our life usually come when we need to remember how much we had and how much we have at the moment and to remember and learn how to cherish all that we have. So, think about your life and your days. How do you live your life? Do you see everything that you have and do you enjoy it?

Have a nice day:)


 

I loved these quotes and completely agreed with them

Oh, yes. Good. It’s very bad for a girl to be too pretty. It stops her developing a sense of humor. Or a personality. – Mary(mom)

 

We’re all traveling through time together, every day of our lives. All we can do is do our best to relish this remarkable ride.  – Tim