Spies

The moment when your entire world comes storming down to you with the toughest and the hardest questions to give the right and full answer to, you just bent down a bit, unconsciously, and your face slightly drops and in your eyes you start carrying the burden formed with heavy look or tears trying to release it, but fail to. Just when you thought you are over that, over those questions, when you moved forward into other direction, when you started concentrating on yourself and not on the world, people and life never-ending philosophies, which endure only in the minds of the hurt and the disappointed adults, something triggers The Ring and it suddenly appears around your neck, so you are obligated to destroy it in the fires of Mordor.

It’s a foggy, cold, and a bit windy night, with the sharpness of coldness in the air which cuts your skin, razes your muscles and shakes your bones, luckily, it’s not so strong tonight, so you can take a walk. We were walking in silence, under the impression of the happenings that took place a few minutes ago. In my opinion, they are so unimportant and irrelevant, those things happen all the time, they come and go and it is not something you should waste your energy on. Save every piece of peace and happiness you are given, don’t bother and make problems up, it’s useless. Anyway, we started walking one of my favorite streets of the city, which I discovered by myself in a casual walk last spring while I was looking for sister’s hairdresser. It was a first quite hot day in the spring and I was wearing only black shirt, jeans and shoes on after such a long time. When I was younger I had not understood the street and it’s location, it was always so different and it appeared as in a magic trick. It seemed like it was always in a different location, leading you to various spots whilst I could never find it on my own. I remember once, we were in the visit at cousins’, and we passed the street, getting somewhere were we intended to. I still wouldn’t know how to explain the position where I had found myself back then but I could find it by my intuition.

Trust. The thing we all want, we all say that we appreciate, that we value it a lot, and that we have a hard time trusting someone. We could present it as a priceless gold mine everyone gives to one another, but tend to lose it very easily. Trust is a very big component of love, sometimes I tend to identify love with trust. When you trust someone, you can say anything and know that it will be kept as if you buried it at the bottom of the ocean, you can behave as you wish, without thinking or refrain, you are completely free to be yourself. You don’t feel stupid if you have chocolate on your nose, your shirt is stained or if you don’t have money. Because you know that the person won’t judge you, won’t try to put you down. On the contrary, he or she will join you in your silliness, help you to whip the chocolate or stain, friendly tease you and loan you money without the word. Trust is when you know that someone will be there for you in every moment of the day or the night, no matter with who, and no matter how much time you need. But before everything, trust is when you know that someone will treasure you and keep you, your secretes and all your little things, inside, without sharing it, but saving it, in their hearts. Trust is when you  know that someone will make all the spies disappear, and all the voices go away, when the men in the white coats come, to be there for you and to chase down the walls around you. Trust is when you know and when you feel that you gave your heart to the person and he or she took it with as much of gentleness and care, as you had when you gave it to them. When your heart is failed down by only one person, you start doubting everyone, but eventually you get back on the old track. But if your trust has been turned down enough number of times you will start doubting everyone and everything. Because if someone decides to fail such a thing, how can that person love you, have any kind of gentle feelings towards you and at the end, any good intentions? Trust is like the water on Earth, when the Earth represents love. Without water there would be no life and Earth wouldn’t be Earth, it is the thing that stands our planet out of the other ones. I am the Idealist, the one who as he faces the world he sees the cruelty, dishonesty, duplicity in most delicate things as love. Fake moralists are everywhere, they all love but no one knows what love is. They are all so lost in their own visions and perfect stories while they don’t see that there is nothing honest and trustworthy in any of the things they say. Trust is a long-lost things, just as the love is. The Ideal things do not exist. The biggest and the most honest and true loves are born out of trust which is bringing the knowledge of the person with itself. Will I be able to trust anyone ever again? Is a question I asked myself as I looked through an old and dusty window on the ground floor of an old building, hiding the complete, thickest darkness which no one dared to disturb for who knows how long. Can I trust myself? Was a question I asked but I realised that it is not legit, because in what way can I or can I not trust myself? Can I trust myself to do what? It is completely irrelevant, or is it? It is a question I heard great number of times and I have never led myself into thinking about that matter. I will not question such a thing because there is no need to, I trust myself completely.

So we remained silent, talking on occasions. I can’t tell you the things that are going through my head, at the end, it’s still pointless to say them. Maybe the time will come, maybe not, but I would like it to come.

”I see the weight of your world in your eyes” was the sentences that broke me. Why did I even break in the first place into such thinking, and at the end why did I break down? So you hugged me and I hugged you back and in those moments at first I only cried but later my thoughts started going with such a speed that I wasn’t aware of the reality for some time. I hate the speed they can have sometimes, and the reason is-I’m not present in the moment. In the whirlpool of my thoughts the ones that stood out where ”they are everywhere… the spies”. I don’t know who or what the spies could be, but they are probably questions, doubts and disappointments.

But the spies came out of the water
But you’re feeling so bad cos you know
But the spies hide out in every corner,
But you can’t touch them no
Cause they’re all spies they’re all spies

….

They can’t touch you no
Cos they’re just spies

The bold text was something that kept going through my head later.

The thing that probably hurts me the most is that no one is, or doesn’t want to take in, to show, that they don’t know what trust or love means, but they go around and fling with it.

And if we don’t hide here
They’re going to find us

Is my absolute favorite part of the song

The person who has your trust is someone who should be always for you, who is no matter with who, where or when will pick up the phone, get his or her coat and be there, not just in their comfortable zone. That is very hard, the thing is, don’t tell things you don’t mean, or you can’t do.

I stepped out of the trolley. Up there, in front of the museum, the yellow lights and the fog seemed to make quite a party! You could go there and be present, but you could never be a part of it and join the dancing.

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