I’ve written about it, I talked about it, I thought about it. I still often think about it. I want to relive it again, I want to experience the feeling I get from all those games we played till the midnight. I want to get drunk of the summer air at night and street lamps, I want to feel so sleepy and I want to sing, I want to have the strength only to crash on my bed when I get home. I want to be a kid again. I want to have those cool pens which have a little lamp which turns on when you write and the liquid inside of it with some sparkles and thingies which float in it. Or the ones where you have in one pen like more little ones so you change them as you spend them. I want to draw people as squares and I want to feel proud when I draw two people from profile and color their skin yellow. I want to feel success when I find the skin color within my wooden color pens and I want to play with the ball all day and to have a water gun fight when it’s hot. I want to go to the new park around and swing, run and play on all those knew stuff without being afraid of braking it or excepecting from parents of little kids to start yelling. I recently found a tree house. I’ve always wanted to find one but never had a chance to. Now that I’ve found it I want to spend days up there. Beneath it there are wooden trains, swings and teeters. I want to draw there, dream up there and write inside of it. I want to eat cookies and act like a kid. I want to have people who with I will feel like a child. And I attempted to do it, but when I thought of buying a new pen or making a spaceship or a house out of umbrellas or a car out of pillows and stuffed animals, or having a stuffed pet who I will take care of 24/7 I got scared that I will ruin it, that I will hurt my childhood and maybe kill it. It is an undescirbeble feeling that I might can hurt my childhood. Like I can hurt it physically and mentally, like it is a person, like it is a child itself. Should I try? I want it badly but I can’t let it get hurt. I just might stick to playing with a ball and drawing, maybe a couple of things, but I will not let it get hurt. I will try to document as much memories of it as possible so I don’t lose it. Childhood gives me comfy, cozy, melancholic feeling, stressless and careless days, imagination. I won’t write memories now, I will write them as the time comes for each one.
This is what I listen to at almost 2 o’clock in the morning. I am grateful on the friendships I have, on the friend sitting beside me rambeling on and drawing with some badass markers over here, I am grateful on everything I have, every person in my life, I am also very grateful and at the same time sad about so many memories and moments that have passed and took place at this very room, a lot of them with the same friend I amsitting now with(I’ll just say that I feel melancholic about them). I have a few tears in my eyes due to all those warm emotions bolded up inside of me and I want to give my friend the tightest hug and just to stay like that forever which means this entire night till the dawn, whilst this song is playing at the background, neverending. I love you, all of you people in my life, I love you, all of my memories and all of the moments I have caught and farewell to all of those which have escaped my little bag called my memory. I send you all lots of love.
P.S. she drew me a little heart with her initials and a little dude called BOB. ‘Cause that’s just who we are.
my thoughts exactly
I haven’t posted anything in a while because I was away and then I just didn’t have the inspiration. I have what to write about but I just don’t have the inspiration and don’t know how to put it in words. I need to feel it and to process it and then put it in words. I think it’s just a period. Just as my writing and moods, life has it’s periods-good ones and the bad ones. Life isn’t just black or just white, life is gray. I talked to a friend last night and I said the same thing to him. So when the bad times come we should stay strong and work hard so we could enjoy the good times when they come. During the happy times we should take as much as we can from them and enjoy it to the fullest, not being afraid of what might come. Life is like an atom. It has negatives like atom has electrons and it has positives as atom has protons. At the end everything is neutral. As sad as you are now you will be happy one day, you need to work for it. The other night I was lying in my bed thinking how clouds have covered the sky and hid the stars, like they swallowed hope, and just a second later I saw a star, shining bright, not fading or twinkling. It was standing out on the cloudy sky as the clouds were still floating, in a hurry to get somewhere, they looked like they are busy, like a crowded street filled with business people who were running to get to a meeting. I smiled seeing the star and thought that there is always hope. I caught a few twinkling stars and whenever my eyes ran for them I lost the shining one and the ones that were twinkling disappeared immediately. I think that just confirms the proverb
If you run after two hares, you will catch neither.
Of course that we should take every chance that we have but that doesn’t mean that we should forget about the things we have and that we abandon it when the first spark shows which we know nothing about.
The thing about ups and downs, black and white, good times and hard times, also can apply to friendships. There was a very nice cafe in a village in Greece where I had spent a few days. I liked to have my morning coffee there and every day around 11 o’clock around 10 older man gathered there to talk. They don’t call each other, they don’t use phones, they know when and where to meet. They always drink the same and they always dress nicely. They always have what to talk about and they are all quite old. They went through God knows what, they accepted and kept quite about who knows how many things about each other, ignored who knows how many each others’ flaws and there they are, meeting every day, talking, laughing. One day I sat at the table next to them and it turned out I was a nuisance for them because they needed more chairs, as each came, as well as the tables and space for them. I felt kinda awkward and sad but the fact that they didn’t mind that much and the fact that I was looking at them, the way they met and talked just brought me a warm feeling around my heart. I smiled all the time and at even had tears in my eyes. Were they tears of joy, sadness or just a strong emotion I really don’t know but they really amazed me. I wanted to hug every and each of them. They made my day and gave me some kind of hope, they were spreading warmth and goodness around them. There is one day in the week when their wives, I guess, meet. You can see around ten old women talking and drinking coffee at the same place as you every day see old men sitting and debating on politics and who knows what. I wish I have something like that when I grow old. I wish them all the best and many years of them meeting like that to come.
I woke up far too late for my accomplishing all of my plans today but that didn’t seem to bother me as I grabbed first things from my closet, made a sandwich and walked out on the streets of my city, heading to one of my favorite places. I am sitting at my desk, writing this post, listening to music. Today I will take the opportunity and relax a bit, enjoy doing stuff I want. I’m alone and it’s very peaceful, silence filling the rooms around me. I turn the music on and slowly volume it up a little. Even though it’s a sunny day I am listening to the music I would listen to when it’s cloudy or rainy afternoon. I am trying to make comics as I decided to get back on that track. I also decided to start making cartoons, unfortunately I spent last few days hopelessly trying to find the right software for it and to download it. Shadows of stickers hung up on my roof windows are visible on my desk as well as a shadow of a pacing bird from time to time. I decided to draw or paint something, whatever comes to my mind, whether it is inspired by a song or I randomly thought of it. I am escaping the world and the pressure I felt in last few days. Couple of friends invited me to come to their countryside houses but I can’t be on two different places and parts of country at the same time and I need a rest. I need a rest from everything, from constant running and doing things, I just want to give a little time to myself. I said that I will do it this summer and I finally felt the need for it, therefore I am going to catch it. I really wanted to go and I always want to, but I just couldn’t this time. When you’re there for people they will love you and respect you, appreciate what you do for them (some more, some less). But when you can’t be ‘red cross’ 24/7 for them then all of a sudden you’re not good enough. People actually don’t understand that if you don’t hear yourself you won’t hear them either, therefore you won’t be able to help them and they won’t be able to help you, because you haven’t tried to help and listen to yourself in the first place. It’s like a magic circle. I am always there for everyone, no matter how tired I was, no matter how much I just can’t put up with their problems, I’m there, but they need to cherish what you do for them and you need to cherish yourself in the first place.
As I said, I am taking a rest from everything, taking in the peace. I decided to give up on drawing comics today due to lack of inspiration, I will draw for my own soul. Enjoy the playlist:)
Young adults who are thought to be mindless time-wasters have standards under which they are assumed to be perfect. We have two points of view, therefore two types of standards: the ones which are set by grownups and the other ones set by the teenagers themselves. I think that there is no perfect and right and imperfect or wrong way to be a teenager. I love to see a beautiful, skinny girl, with nice hairstyle and a cute, well-dressed boy, but I like to see a few pounds bigger girl or a geek boy as well. I love to see them with all their imperfections in looks and their silly behavior. I love to see their crooked teeth and colorful braces, ripped jeans and two size bigger shirts, their messy hairs and ripped converse, I love to see their peeled nail polish and their glasses. When I see a kid in his teens, listening to music on his/her phone, wearing silly clothes, with a messy hairstyle, when I see them with their flaws and perfections I can’t help but smile. I also can’t help but think why do I smile when I’m no different than them, and I can’t help but be afraid of that what makes them, what makes who they are, vanishing. Youth is beautiful. Everything’s beautiful now, everyone’s pretty in their teens. Those imperfections won’t be as interesting and characteristic later, it will turn to much worse and visible flaws but no one has the time to think about it now, does he? They go out and meet their friends, have a laugh and no one thinks about what will happen later. All that now is important and makes a problem later will just put a smile on our faces, but the things we are not worrying about now will later give us a frown. Teenagers with their silly, colorful or plain clothing, black or red, neat or ripped, filthy and ripped sneakers, games and pictures, art and music, silly jokes and insane laughs, silly walks and street dancing, inappropriate behavior and polite gestures, evil grins and nice smiles, dramas and adventures, perfect teeth and braces, overweight and skinny ones, philosophers and world saviors, time-wasters and rebels, self preservers and lost souls, love and hate, make them alive and helps them keeping the youth, they are not fading, they are making things real and their dreams vivid. Whoever they are and wherever they belong they are perfect just the way they are, they are the perfect teenagers.