A Closure?

So, I should move soon. We’re leaving the apartment of my mid-childhood. And that’s what hurts the most. That place is my shelter. Roof windows, rain, music, night, my room and my cozy bed. I could suppress my emotions but I don’t want to. That’s the stupidest thing you could do. If you do that you’re just delying the disaster, you’re not doing yourself a favor, on the contrary. I thought I have gotten over this but deep down I knew I haven’t. So I was thinking, a lot, and realised I don’t know what I want anymore. I wanted someone to hug and cry, y’know? I have people I can turn to, but there were only two I actually could imagine in that position. Unfortunately, they are both away. I’m fine actually, change is part of our lives and, to be honest, I can’t wait for it to happen and finally finish with it, make a closure. Maybe this is the last summer, the last station of my childhood. But what can mark the end of childhood? I guess it’s on us to decide. I am going on the same places on seaside as I did as a kid. And whenever I went there it meant a closure and just now I realised that. It’s my third time going there. I guess that the forgetting is something I’m most afraid of. Will I remember all the memories I have now? I want to remember every inch of the apartment, every corner, and every crack of the paint on the walls. I want to remember everything where was set, all the combinations, I want to remember every angle and every second of my time spent there. I want to remember every morning, every eavinig and every night. I want to remember all the mornings I went ice skating, every eavning going home just to drink water and leave my rollers so I can go outside and play with ball or hide and seek. I want to remember all the amazing times when we played hide and seek. Honestly, I think we had the best time playing it. It was so tempting, funny, different every time and It was so much fun. I want to sit or just lie on the floor in the middle of the room observing every inch of it, smiling, laughing and crying. I want to have a final party and I want to have one more day of riding bike untill my bum hurts so much I can’t sit anymore, then I would go back home and sit on the big terrace with my friends. Maybe it’s good that I haven’t spent so much time there in the past year. Anyhow, I want to soak in every memory, every detail of it. Everything. I want to forever remember my first entrance, my firts use of the toilet, the time my dad and I sticked letters on the door of one of the bathrooms and wrote ”guests” in Italian. I want to remember how I lit up the candles with my friend while drinkinig tea after a long walk in the winter, from the mall to my apartment. I want to remember the good times and the bad times. Maybe I tend to idealise my childhood back then, but who cares? Should I do any differently? I think not. We need something to hold on to. I want to remember the summer nights and how I could see the street in the reflection on the window. I guess that’s good for now? I hope it will all end soon, no matter how sad I am about it, but sadness is a constructive emotion unlike depression, so it’s fine. Change is always present in our lives, sometimes bigger, sometimes smaller and we just have to accept it. I often like to say that we need to close one door so another one can open and make room for new beginnings.

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