Growing Up

Recently I’ve noticed that I’m cracking less jokes and having less laugh-attacks. A couple of days ago I asked myself why don’t old people laugh as much as the young? There is no any particular reason, is there? And today I asked myself why don’t my friends and I do that as often as we used to? So I talked to a friend and she told me that it is probably because some things finally settled down and that we are happier than we were before, therefore we don’t feel the urge to fill the void in ourselves, drowning sadness or disappointment with so many jokes and insane laughter. However, I do not agree with that. If that was the case then we would never laugh that much, because if we were happy enough than we wouldn’t need to and if we’re sad, than we wouldn’t either because we are just sad.

I think it’s about growing up. Being more mature, thinking and talking about more serious things, philosophing more. On the other hand, I am doing that for years and years now and I haven’t felt the change until now. Why is that? Is it because we are really growing up?

Today I went for a walk with a friend and we sat on a bench in one of the most beautiful and popular parks in our city. I watched kids playing around. I could part the image I was seeing on small sections and just concentrate on a one. On my right side there was dark yellow light on the grass which seemed dead and dried because of the light. The same appearance had flowers which looked dead under that light(one thing that I don’t like about twilights is the light which makes everything so weird and dead). On my left was a big church, blue sky and pure green grass which was illuminated with the golden sunlight. There, I saw kids running around, imagining things in their own heads, in their own worlds. At one moment I stopped my eyes from wondering from place to place and stopped on a tiny image of a boy running with his dog, smiling. It reminded me of pure happiness and heaven, as we usually imagine it. There was a lot of kids running around, girls selling some bracelets, kids riding bikes, rollers and scooters. One of them tripping and falling, but he was lucky enough to fall on grass. When I took a better look of his bike I noticed that it is the same blue Capriolo bike my friend had and then I remembered mine which I want to use so badly but didn’t find the chance to past two years. Mine is the same as hers, just a bit bigger and red. I remember how my other friend and I who have same bikes just different color and just a bit different seats argued who has bigger and taller bike. It just brings me such beautiful memories. When I came back in reality I asked my friend what was the happiest time of her life? She told me that it was the kinder garden because we didn’t have to think about anything and we just played around, everyone liked each other. I think that the happiest time of my life so far was when I was third or fourth grade. We were aware enough so we could remember things well, yet we didn’t have so many things to worry about. Most importantly when we went out we only needed an ice cram and a ball and we could play for hours. Maybe the only thing that is better now than it was back then is that now we can decide how long and where we’re going to be.  Honestly, I don’t want to grow up. I want to forever feel like a kid. I want to forever dream about things that could happen on a summer night, I want to forever sit on the terrace with my dad, talk about everything and listen to the radio. I want to hug my mom and talk about things that we are planning to do, or things in which I’m making a progress. I want to be forever that little sister who’s being taken somewhere by her older one. I want to sit with my little friend on the terrace in front of her granddad’s room, under the moonlight, watching the mountains, the sea and the little town on the other shore, pretending to sleep, covered up and tucked in with beach towels, hoping that our parents will just leave us like that and go to sleep.

we’d grow up sooner or later ‘Cause we wasted all our free time alone

This is a verse of the song called Rainbow Veins by Adam Young. I have often found myself thinking about it, questioning whether it is true or not. It is probably true. Maybe not only physically alone, but mentally. We are so deep in our thoughts, always thinking about something big, serious and tough that we lose our naivety and foolish, doubtless curiosity. We ask questions and we try to give it an answer right away. All the free time we have we spend it alone, thinking. We are not playing around anymore, we are recalling back how we played and talk how we miss it so badly. So did we actually grow up or is it just a faze? I don’t know but I know that I will make a list and try to relive everything again, I know that deep down I will probably be always a child. It gives me imagination, solutions, hope and faith. We shouldn’t grow up as fast as possible, we should cherish and keep our youth and not let it go away and vanish over the night.

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